i want someone to read this.

i screwed up bad. i wanted to do something nice and get my aunt a necklace that i adore. its juicy couture. i think she'd love it for her bday. dan was going to get it for me off ebay. turns out you have to use paypal. big no no. so now i need my aunts help desperately. which sucks. because i feel terrible since shes in no position. and im afraid to text her about it so late at night since i recently discovered that my mom can see who i text and what time....i keep praying but have a feeling that its not enough.
im not getting gray eyes. paypal bullshiz, one more time.
im getting a sewing machine. 40 bucks. ill have my mom buy it maybe. and ill pay her with work. ill save money that way by not buying clothes. i know she'll pay for fabric too.
i dont know why i brought that up. i am so stressed and its not necessary to have and im insomniac suffering. its prolly from stress and this green tea pill. im on a diet. basically, eating healthier, more often, hydrating a lot, and exercising to lose fat before i start toning up. i've been trying to take special care of my body. my skin care routine is religous; it involves 8 different products. and i also apply self tanning/firming lotion, and special oil to fix my stretch marks. i pray to the Lord about it. i know you shouldn't ask for such things, but i pray that he relieves me of all this ugliness so that i wont be so focused on it all the time. i cant help being vain and self conscious. if im ok with myself then i can focus on the Lord.
i need a new syringe. i found out that my mom has what i have. genetics. but mines more intense. apparently, when you are crazy stressed from life at a young age, it screws up the neurochemistry of your brain. i have a chemical imbalance in my brain stem. lack of seretonin. so i take prozac to produce more. upping my dose again. i think this is the reason why im still battling depression. ive been depressed my whole life. i always thought it was situational. but when i accepted my life, and there was nothing to make me depressed anymore, i still struggled. now i realize that it's probably a lack of seretonin that's making me depressed. im going to try to see my neurologist by myself one day, and get him to prescribe me the therapeutic dose for depression patients. he advised me not to be a doctor. he said if i really want to, then im going to have to take 120 mg everyday, which is hefty compared to the .5mg dose ive been taking only twice a week; now raised to 1.0 mg.