Sacrifice and cursing.

everything turned out fine with the whole jewelery scandal.

this morning i told God to kill my great grandmother; i imagined her getting hit by a bus. I told God to give me an aneurism and knock me dead. I told God i hate him and fuck you. I told him that I'm not going to pray anymore or go to meetings ever and that i'm going to be a badass world loving freak. Then I took it back out of fear. yes, i fear Him. I know if I took up on that satan kid thing, the Man would surely smite me and fuck me over sevenfold. Usually I love God, and don't complain about shit to him, about how shitty my life is, i don't ask him to fix it, I just take it and understand that it's for a reason. But, every single time I say something in my brain about complaining...He goes and has the opposite thing done. He's fucking with my mind...just like my parents.

I've been obeying and honoring them. Just do what they tell me, no attitude, no comeback, just action. That is what i'm supposed to do. But I seriously don't get any benefits. God promised a longer life to those who honor their parents. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT A LONGER LIFE IN THIS PLACE???? forget that crap. I won't do it for God anymore. I'm doing it to save my ass from worse-ness.

It pisses me off. My parents. They control me. I can't get passed it. They don't get what they do to me. They ruin me. Everytime they get on me, it hurts inside. I crumble. I feel like I'm worthless and want to cut myself and wish I were dead. We've been alot closer since they got their promotions and dan left. but when i make a mistake i feel like the shittiest shitfaced dumbfuck in the world. Like today, i answered the phone and my great grandmother asked for my mom who was working out downstairs. she was lifting weights and i gave her the phone and said sorry because she obviously had a look on her face like "wtf?"
then after the call of being invited to dinner she started up, so did brian. i shouldn't have said sorry when grandma could hear, i shouldn't have interrupted their workout, i shouldn't have put her on the spot, i should have just taken a message since we had plans to cook dinner tonight. GOD, ha. You punk'd my ass good. Not only did i get lectured for what a stupid piece of shit i am, but you also stopped me from going to the home meeting again for about the 500th time. Obviously, by this point, i've come to realize that it's not satan trying to get me to not go to meetings, it's God. yes, everytime. I've prayed and done many things and no result. Prayer and petition. Fine, are you happy? I won't bother going anymore.

My parents never make me do anything anymore. They even get mad when I go to church. You know, I don't even like going to meetings. I hate it. But i always try to go. Maybe it's because i get distracted by worldly things. But everyone does...why is he picking on me. it cant be satan you see...because if it were so...me getting distracted by worldly things, then he would want me to go. God doesn't want me to be there. He's using my parents to stop me. It makes sense but i don't get it. So fuck you. I'll stay home or go out with crazy kids and you can ruin my life all you want. I'm not even going to be raptured. I'm going to be spending a thousand years grinding and gnashing my teeth in darkness. Why not enjoy life?