I took this quiz and...

You like to be at the center of everything but even so you may feel lonely even in the midst of a crowd. Sometimes you can be swept away by your own vanity. You are goal oriented and can neglect the feelings of others. You have a competitive spirit that is matched by few and are able to implement your own visionary and courageous ideals. You have an abundance of energy and pointed in the right direction are often admired for your hard work. You have trouble opening up on a deep level and rarely let others into your inner world. You love to feel needed and put yourself into indispensable positions. Your partner has a full time job on their hands and relationships often burn out fast. Strengths: success-oriented – courageous – energetic Weaknesses: Aloof – irritable – excessive

Post-it Love.

i've escaped the loopies for today
i'm going to go to buffalo exchange and watch tiffany shop at 2, in brea.
my grandma got me medicine i asked for and my up-chuck reflex seems under control.
she always rushes to my aid when i ask. i'm pretty lucky. (:
mmm. grandfather bought me lots of clothes from forever21. i'll post them.
i miss my mom. i know that sounds weird...
i can't wait for this weekend. i just want to see my fambam. just hug emm (:3
it feels like a good day. i don't like that my disposition changes daily. this is nice.
i made guacamole yesterday and lemonade in a cup.

Nightmares creep me out.

This would be my dream log if i had more dreams. But they run scarce these days; at least the ones i know about. Anywho. Parents are gone for two weeks. Dangnabbit. Randy's back, back again. la la laa. get it? the song? he'll be here sometime in the morning today.

so...im too lazy.

marines selling firecrackers
my brother buying mini grenade fireworks.
huge party at my house and a bus full of moshers.
robert pattinson with kirsten stewart??
robert pattinson doing coke???
me getting mad at robert pattinson????
me being a non party-er?
parentals come home, not really upset as they should be.
franky and dan chill.
dan didn't go psycho...but he was wack.
he locked a girl in the trunk of his/my car.
now arguing with parentals that it'll be fine.
parentals say stuff like grudge, prison, etc.
i go upstairs and see he used my bed.
then mom woke me up.
the end.

I ask God to speak to me through fortune cookies.

I haven't felt like writing lately.
I really don't feel like it now, but I do.
I have a headache and insomnia...though i could sleep if i tried.
I've been reading quite a bit lately; which is strange since i really dislike reading.
Johnsel is trying to take me on a date, but i know he really just wants to get with me.
I'm not interested, even if he's one of the hottest guys i know. I don't want him.
I want boots. Lots and lots of boots. I won't buy any. But for some reason, i want them...
I'm antsy lately. It's hard to explain. that's the only word i can think of. antsy. i wonder why that worries my dad. i always wonder about him and his knowing. i want to know for myself.
tiffany wants to go shopping. i do too. just to watch her shop.
im going to the home meeting with mom and brian.
she got sick today. like me. and it wasn't good. i always blame myself even though it has nothing to do with me.
I have nonstop nausea instead of nonstop headaches now. i'm never hungry. food makes me sick.
I think i'm terribly ill in the head.
I'm very alone. and afraid. and i can't express myself. and i can't speak. i'm quiet but it's good.
im afraid of next week. i dread randy and isabel. i don't want them to come. i want to hide.
im afraid all the time. i feel like there are ghosts in my bathroom trying to get me and so i pray for the lord not to let me see them. i don't want to see them. i think they are real. im afraid they try to hurt me all the time.
Everyday, more and more, i act like a child. I think i do it because innocence and ignorance helps me get by...even though mother hates it. When I'm a kid and believe it, i feel better, and free, and don't care about anything, and can't think about any of it. it's good.

You're the favorite daughter, not the greatest.

I'm not right in the head, but that's okay; even if my mom hates it. even if they all call me strange. even if father asks why I'm so weird. even if I don't fit in. I don't mind, really. I'm usually alone so people aren't bothered always. except, on certain occasions, when i'm out and about doing my silly things.
so, i like to dance; to pretend.
so, i like to spin endlessly, and sing with a crooked voice.
what does it matter to you?
so, what if i'm quiet, or awkwardly silent;
what is it really to you, if i'm loud and rambunctious?
I can't understand. I can only be selfish in my own ways. I have to learn. Maybe I'm just not old enough. It's really true, that you're too young to understand certain things. The way they are. I'm just not there yet. I guess it's life. This is just life. or maybe C'est la guerre..

Sacrifice and cursing.

everything turned out fine with the whole jewelery scandal.

this morning i told God to kill my great grandmother; i imagined her getting hit by a bus. I told God to give me an aneurism and knock me dead. I told God i hate him and fuck you. I told him that I'm not going to pray anymore or go to meetings ever and that i'm going to be a badass world loving freak. Then I took it back out of fear. yes, i fear Him. I know if I took up on that satan kid thing, the Man would surely smite me and fuck me over sevenfold. Usually I love God, and don't complain about shit to him, about how shitty my life is, i don't ask him to fix it, I just take it and understand that it's for a reason. But, every single time I say something in my brain about complaining...He goes and has the opposite thing done. He's fucking with my mind...just like my parents.

I've been obeying and honoring them. Just do what they tell me, no attitude, no comeback, just action. That is what i'm supposed to do. But I seriously don't get any benefits. God promised a longer life to those who honor their parents. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT A LONGER LIFE IN THIS PLACE???? forget that crap. I won't do it for God anymore. I'm doing it to save my ass from worse-ness.

It pisses me off. My parents. They control me. I can't get passed it. They don't get what they do to me. They ruin me. Everytime they get on me, it hurts inside. I crumble. I feel like I'm worthless and want to cut myself and wish I were dead. We've been alot closer since they got their promotions and dan left. but when i make a mistake i feel like the shittiest shitfaced dumbfuck in the world. Like today, i answered the phone and my great grandmother asked for my mom who was working out downstairs. she was lifting weights and i gave her the phone and said sorry because she obviously had a look on her face like "wtf?"
then after the call of being invited to dinner she started up, so did brian. i shouldn't have said sorry when grandma could hear, i shouldn't have interrupted their workout, i shouldn't have put her on the spot, i should have just taken a message since we had plans to cook dinner tonight. GOD, ha. You punk'd my ass good. Not only did i get lectured for what a stupid piece of shit i am, but you also stopped me from going to the home meeting again for about the 500th time. Obviously, by this point, i've come to realize that it's not satan trying to get me to not go to meetings, it's God. yes, everytime. I've prayed and done many things and no result. Prayer and petition. Fine, are you happy? I won't bother going anymore.

My parents never make me do anything anymore. They even get mad when I go to church. You know, I don't even like going to meetings. I hate it. But i always try to go. Maybe it's because i get distracted by worldly things. But everyone does...why is he picking on me. it cant be satan you see...because if it were so...me getting distracted by worldly things, then he would want me to go. God doesn't want me to be there. He's using my parents to stop me. It makes sense but i don't get it. So fuck you. I'll stay home or go out with crazy kids and you can ruin my life all you want. I'm not even going to be raptured. I'm going to be spending a thousand years grinding and gnashing my teeth in darkness. Why not enjoy life?

i want someone to read this.

i screwed up bad. i wanted to do something nice and get my aunt a necklace that i adore. its juicy couture. i think she'd love it for her bday. dan was going to get it for me off ebay. turns out you have to use paypal. big no no. so now i need my aunts help desperately. which sucks. because i feel terrible since shes in no position. and im afraid to text her about it so late at night since i recently discovered that my mom can see who i text and what time....i keep praying but have a feeling that its not enough.
im not getting gray eyes. paypal bullshiz, one more time.
im getting a sewing machine. 40 bucks. ill have my mom buy it maybe. and ill pay her with work. ill save money that way by not buying clothes. i know she'll pay for fabric too.
i dont know why i brought that up. i am so stressed and its not necessary to have and im insomniac suffering. its prolly from stress and this green tea pill. im on a diet. basically, eating healthier, more often, hydrating a lot, and exercising to lose fat before i start toning up. i've been trying to take special care of my body. my skin care routine is religous; it involves 8 different products. and i also apply self tanning/firming lotion, and special oil to fix my stretch marks. i pray to the Lord about it. i know you shouldn't ask for such things, but i pray that he relieves me of all this ugliness so that i wont be so focused on it all the time. i cant help being vain and self conscious. if im ok with myself then i can focus on the Lord.
i need a new syringe. i found out that my mom has what i have. genetics. but mines more intense. apparently, when you are crazy stressed from life at a young age, it screws up the neurochemistry of your brain. i have a chemical imbalance in my brain stem. lack of seretonin. so i take prozac to produce more. upping my dose again. i think this is the reason why im still battling depression. ive been depressed my whole life. i always thought it was situational. but when i accepted my life, and there was nothing to make me depressed anymore, i still struggled. now i realize that it's probably a lack of seretonin that's making me depressed. im going to try to see my neurologist by myself one day, and get him to prescribe me the therapeutic dose for depression patients. he advised me not to be a doctor. he said if i really want to, then im going to have to take 120 mg everyday, which is hefty compared to the .5mg dose ive been taking only twice a week; now raised to 1.0 mg.

the evening post.

i just got home from the O.C. Fair where my friends were selling their goats and cows. my brother greeted us at home. i warned him we were home yet still, there was a chinese sleeping beauty on the couch. my parents are toats "wtf?" right now behind their backs. yes, i see it too. i bet she's katy. the girl who had a "dream" about being at a clinic and taking a pill. the girl who my brother is deflowering. but they don't know that i know. no one knows that my brother lied about his gfs. to my parents her name is amber, the inexistent girl in a far away place. and katy that no one knows about. and carissa that he's pedobear attacking. dude.
back to the main scene. so i cleaned up after his house party because i love him. i wanted to go to the meeting. but i went to the fair. i ate ridiculous amounts of food and walked a lot and watched the acrobats and saw a clown and vincent, but it wasn't really him. katy shut up. loudmouth.
i have the worst sunburn of my life; worse than the one i got at the beach with jean luke.
im going to start working out hardcore again. it's decided.
i am also getting gray contacts.
update later.

"the perks of being a wallflower"

so i was thinking about my thinking and how i prolly shouldn't do it anymore. i think it's becoming unhealthy. but i can't not think so i guess it is what it is.
so i was thinking about my parents. what would it be like if brian divorced my mom. i think that my mom would be terribly sad and then i would have to be there for my mom. i think it would be awful for her. i think that brian would meet someone again. i think so. and i think that i would visit him. it'd be important. i think that my mom would remarry and it would be okay and i wouldn't have to call him dad because the 3rd one is unlucky like that. i would say, "hello bill, welcome home". all because when i think about it...i don't think that shes good at being alone either; which is strange to think since she is so independent..nonetheless...everybody needs somebody, right? i think it'd be better if it happened this way. i thought about it different, and it wouldn't be good. what if they didn't divorce, and brian saw other woman? if my mom found out that would be horrific. she would ruin him, and i would watch it. but. fat chance because i think brian is too loyal of a person. that's why i think it would happen the other way. not that any of this would happen or anything...but just thinking.

no, i dont feel like talking.

sometimes i want to kill myself.

Going Nowhere.

i snuck out of the house and got ben's present and went to his house and dropped it off on his doorstep. I felt nothing.

For He is to Me My Life.

i am pathetic, just as my life is.
ever feel the loneliness surround you, yet not in a depressing way? though i guess it is depressing in this situation, but i guess it's just not the cause of my certain sadness. anywho.
i think i'll go to costa mesa tomorrow; to get boo his present from the deli. note, i feel indifferent. i don't care for him in the same way. i do, but i try not to. i think when i get detached like this, it works more efficiently. so today, i do not feel for him. now it's just a matter of a courtesy to keep my word. why i bother, i do not know. another, boo is not some strange nickname of amor. it is the onomatopoeia to replace his true name. again, this may sound like a dramatic soap opera but he doesn't know. he doesn't think about it. all of it. it's not actually real. i just need something to ponder in my free time.
im not going to get hired. i feel it. just like they've got music in their bones. i've got a failure tone. i've let go of myself too far. yet im strangely satisfied.
today i made guacamole, ate a salted lemon, and countless others.
i read.
i painted.
i guitarred.
ha.
the hitch hiker on my car is gone. cute spiderfly.
so is my brother.
im in love with no one.

1-2-3-4, I Love the Marine Core.

my brother is home.
im so proud.
im so glad.
he is really here.
we are still so close.
but i know he'll leave again.
in 10 days.
for 21 days.
and for a year o'er.
but i am ok.
because he is glad.
he is a marine.
and proud.
but i feel nothing.
why?
why am i empty.
and exhausted.
and somber.
my mind is gone.
i cannot grasp it.
the silver lining.

*Sadness or hopelessness.
*Loss of interest in or pleasure from most daily activities.
*Losing or gaining weight because of changes in appetite.
*Sleeping too much or not enough.
*Feeling restless and unable to sit still, or feeling that moving takes a great effort.
*Feeling tired all the time.
Feeling unworthy or guilty without an obvious reason.
*Having problems concentrating, remembering, or making decisions.
Thinking often about death or suicide.