Negative Nancy.

It's a guy thing. Swimming tadpoles. Gutted fish. Slashed and red. Punished for attention. Masks. Death follows me around today. I want to say hello. Common courtesy.

Bella Flor.

"You're perfect."
you think ppl don't really fall for this sh.. in real life. but it happens, yea. they fall for it. they do.
Now, i'm only excited when it's him texting me.
today i got to see him. i become a terrible driver.
i've never been taken on so many dates...he's my first. the first to ever take me on a date.

later, i began to have a panic attack...but he did something no one ever has. he stopped it. he held me. and took care of me. and it all washed away. it was amazing.
and we layed on his bed watching a movie and he fell asleep in my arms. i wish i could have stayed forever.
if all we ever did all summer, was take naps together. i would still be the happiest girl alive. (:

Cooking is the New Wave

i went bike riding with ruthy and made pretty decent lasagna from scratch today, have a picnic with ty tomorrow, and a date with johnsel tuesday. life can't get any better. (:

thump, thump, paper heart.

he makes my heart race. i thought i didn't like him. i thought i couldn't. not after i spent so long forgetting. knowing how he was. but it's different. the way we are.
i smile uncontrollably. i love watching him get ready. i love the feeling of being "his girl"
i love the way he thinks that dorky, quirky girls are sexy.
i love his kisses, even when they hurt.
i love his fearlessness. how he's never embarassed.
how he's so comfortable. i love that he's not ashamed.
i love that he's changed for the moment.
and im changed for the moment.
this straightjacket feeling has gotten the best of me.

In need of some assistance.

i have to start cooking dinner every night. im winging it. im making lasagna, curry chicken, and beef stir fry for starters. i'm so screwed lol. anyways.

Daniel whispers, "no more boys"...famous last words.
From: Tyler Dillon
"Like seriously if you want him to like you and stuff you gotta stop fuckin around wit other guys you kno :/"
Aug 12, 8:36 pm

and in that moment, he made me realize what i had to do.
justin is dead.
so is he.
do i really want j?
i have no idea.
but i want to try.
right?
because i need someone. it's better.
but i cant. not yet.
not until i speak with father.

We Never Made It to Disneyland.

i am an empty black hole of nothingness. filled with sin and failure. i'm not depressed or anything like it. im just stating the fact of my life. right now. i have given in. and have given up on trying to be good. im confused. He doesn't want us to be good people. but i can't be not good without being bad. or sinning or whatever. argh. this is too complicated.

The Adventures of Giraffe and Fagzilla.

that's what you get when you let your heart win.
that's what you get when you let your lust win.
my dad is always right. i just didn't realize this one, or maybe i was just in denile. most likely the latter in this case.
so the deal is. boys. i don't go after them. i just think about them. and that's it.
at least. for a while, that's how it was. until...
johnsel. he wants to date me.
which is kind of unbelievably shocking.
but he does. and i wouldn't mind, since he's a pervy flirt if you're his friend, but a pure self controlled gentlemen when you're his girl. much different. pretty crazy.
anywho. then there's justin.
boy. oh. boy.
lustlustlust.
tall, athletic, green eyed mutt.
wow.
he lives in cerritos :/