i, slave. thee, lover of money.

as many as are slaves under the yoke should regard their own masters as worthy of all honor, lest the name of God and our teaching be blasphemed. and those who have believing masters should not despise them, because they are brothers; but rather they should serve them, because those who recompense them for the kindly service received are believers and beloved. these things teach and exhort. if anyone teaches different things and does not consent to healthy words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the teaching which is according to godliness, he is blinded with pride, understanding nothing, but is diseased with questionings and contentions of words, out of which come envy, strife, slanders, evil suspicions, perpetual wranglings of men corrupted in mind and deprived of the truth, supposing godliness to be a means of gain but godliness with contentment is great gain; for we have brought nothing into the world, because neither can we carry anything out. but having food and covering, with these we will be content. but those who intend to be rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires, which plunge men into destruction and ruin. for the love of money is the root of all evils, because of which some, apiring after money, have been led away from the faith and pierced themselves through with many pains.

attack of the gold lion.

i am a tool.
i've come to realize that everyone has their priorities.
she asks where do i fall on the list. ask myself. where?
i have no answer so she speaks.
youre on the top of it.
but for some.
youre not.
you might not even have made it.
tragic senseless.

i feel like money is becoming less of a priority.
not that we don't need it or face a lack of.
just that it's not on the top of the list for me right now.
not for today at least.
i just need companionship.
i don't really need it.
i just like it when it's there.
more like just one person.
but not in some promiscuous way.
no one can hear that i take to the boys without a thought of mistrust.
really. there is such a thing as innocence.
people must always judge.
but so easily forget; just as you judge others, you will be judged; by the good Lord Himself.

i cried today. terribly.
one dramatic scene after another.
they are right.
family is politics.
i never enjoyed politics.
it never delighted me.
it never captivated me.
but i play very well. so well.

Start: 1 Timothy 6:4

"i love my son, but i must be righteous."


i love them. i do. i thought i didn't and i wasn't. but it happened. i like them.
they are teaching me how to cook. i didn't think it was going to be like this.
around them i experience God. i cried today. i prayed loudly in my car.
we ate ice cream cookies.
martha ball gave me a book. it was the most touching moment of the day.
today was an amazing day. but im still morose.
im still confused. im still upset.

in everyone's telling of their beginning of my beginning someone is an antagonist. it makes me see everything differently. everyone is a hero and a disaster.
i want to see what they see. feel what they feel. know what they know. the truth is what im searching for. what im after, even if it hurts. but there are too many and sometimes it scares me to know. but i need this now. i really do.
i need to know why she cries. i need to know why she is the way she is. i need to know what wrongs were then. i want to know why this is now. i want to know how to comfort and be normal. this unconventional way of life.

we are all burdened in our secrets. i am a wallflower. i see things. and they are mine. and i keep them. here. here. and here.

we are Being molded for his purpoSe

life is terribly unfair to the most undeserving. why do such awful things happen to the most sincere. i really don't understand. the suffering is necessary, but to what extent? how much can suffering be thrust out upon someone until it loses its usefullness and becomes more detrimental than benificial? He pushes so hard that the suffering and building simply drives them to the very end of themselves. i've seen it. it really does happen. are these the overcomers? the first fruits? are these the lucky ones? how can such a cruel thing be? i am incapable of understanding, and refuse to believe what they say because this is no good thing no matter the rewards at end.

Too Long at the Fair.

sometimes i feel like tearing my room apart and starting over. sometimes i feel like going crazy. sometimes i feel like i am crazy. the real kind of crazy. sometimes i feel like overdosing on pills. sometimes i feel like reverting back to my old ways. like popping 12 ibuprofen or hanging myself and letting go for no reason when it does nothing. sometimes i feel like cutting again. sometimes i feel like ripping my face apart with a scalpel because im so ugly. but then i think it'd be too much to bear. sometimes i feel like getting help. sometimes i think about why im here. sometimes i think about how i got here. sometimes i think about the mistake that i am. sometimes i think about the future. sometimes i think about happiness. sometimes i think about what if. sometimes i think about getting the truth. sometimes i think about how i finally got help and then closed the door smiling and ran out to cry. sometimes i just think about nothing. sometimes i try not to think at all.
sometimes i think about how ppl see a tiger and love it. but im not on the inside. that means i fake it like no ones business. but no one really loves me for me. a;sldkfj i should be in a circus. one that travels. that way no one will care that im different. they'll expect it. and they wont care if im not pretty. and they wont care about anything. because they're there to be happy and entertained. and everyone will only see a tiger and nothing more. thats the perfect place for me.

Gap. i like to wear mens clothing.

today is father's day. i wish i could have spent it with my dad.
i went to dinner at taps. gifted him a shirt, had an uncomfortable conversation, with the usual kind of salad.
i painted this morning. before church. i did.
my room is a mess. a smart one told me that your room represents your life supposedly, and if your room is a mess, i guess your insides are too.
im trying.
well. today was ok, with some minor setbacks.
i wanted to go to home meetings again b/c chris balisky talked to me today about it. actually. ive wanted to go for a while now. anyways. i asked my parents. and. my mom said we'll ALL start going. :/ so she said we're going to aarons place and i wanted to go to the home meeting i used to go to. then she said, fine. we'll all go to that home meeting. and...well i dont want that. so. im convincing them to just go to aarons place. this is the first time i said in my brain that i hated "Him" today. at least with an aware mind. i know its wrong. but i was upset. because everytime i try to talk to them. and everytime i pray about these things. nothing ever works the way well....im just a stupid idiot. what do i know. im going to get spoken to about things and ill understand and sometimes ill agreee but there are times where im just in one of those moods and i say. PHO Q.
church has become social and im starting not to mind. its a bit sickening and sad.
theres this guy. i couldn't not see him from where i was sitting. it was terrible. he is the "that" guy. the one that gets me all distracted and doesn't even realize im there...or does and makes sure to pretend he doesn't. w/e. awkward. i txted him about fred. good times. then i stopped.
i sat next to that girl i dont like or doesn't like me or however it goes. i faked like the faker that i am. i hate it when boo asks if we are friends now.
i spent time with eunice today. she's lovely. i wish we could be best friends. its sad though because i think im jealous. of her everything. mostly because she was "his" once...and i know that's childish but...i can't help it after all these years....these 6 frustrating years.
gosh. im such a child.
why am i so different? why can't i just fit in? not that i want to. i just want to understand i guess?
i met a guy named matt who has a twin named dawn. he's a nice guy. i dont want to see him again. Matt. He's a looker. Without my shades.
im sick of myself and my life. i want to be renovated. my room and clothes and body. im going to try to get contacts. gray ones. they are 40 bucks for 3 pairs. cheapest i could find. though it wont be for a long time. im going to see a dermatologist to get my face fixed. its grossly unhealthy. im going to eat right and work out more. im sick of being "not fat but not thin either".
irene called. "do you want lambchops or chicken?" ill have anything. i eat everything. i like to eat. "do you eat lamb?" says sirene now. why yes i guess i do. "we'll eat lambchops then" why do you ask? i know you want lambchops and i eat everything and you know that so why why why? no one listens.

lillies in the field.

malibu creek was stupid. the little girl that i had to babysit all weekend was je ne sais quoi. my life is je ne sais quoi. the little girl likes to take long walks. we walked. and she likes to pick flowers. we picked. she gave me flowers to hold. i held. it was good. until all the little tiny bugs on the flowers starting crawling all over me. and countless other things such as this occured. and i think that camping is overrated now. so is hiking in mangy old vans shoes. a;dslkfj;asldkfj. i don't know why im being such a brat lately. ive been really emo lately and its pissing my parents off. for some reason i feel like pointless. i hate getting depressed. whenever i get depressed i start thinking a lot. like today i started thinking about my existence. i feel like such a mistake. i mean...it all makes sense. i am a mistake. i know deep down she regrets me but its her own fault so she deals. and i know i am loved very very much. but still. i know at heart that in the very very beginning, i was a mistake. not the accident kind of mistake...but the secret kind. the kind only i would know about. and im sure they knew it too.

Well if the World Was Simple Quaint.

blah blah blah. insignificant everythings chatting along with their sweet little nothings. all i hear is blah blah blah. and by the way.you are quite innocently charming with your lovely polar somethings.

i went to see Ring of Fire tonight at the La Mirada Theatre. The show wasn't as spectacular as they said, naturally. Carmen was better; and we left early. Leaving for Malibu creek tomorrow. fkjdfsladfskjladfkajf. Nothing much to say about that.

i gave it a few days. life isn't so terrible. it is, but i won't let it linger for now. not for summer. im good. summer drives me mad as rabbits. i like greek food. im getting all boy crazy again, now that i have nothing to do...its slightly sickening since the only boys i talk to are untouchable and i only talk to them through a screen. and i really only talk to two. and we don't really talk in such a way as most. friends. that's what they call it. yes, they actually do exist, sincerely. amazing suprise, no doubt. but that's just it. whatever they say. i know what i know. so off with their heads. and nothing will go any further than a simple conversation of hellos and complimentary phrases where only i am trying. desperately for no reason whatsoever. because it doesn't really matter. because the world is round and the sky is blue; it makes me cry. because. the sky. is blue.

To say im crying right now would be.

wow. THE F***. I finally made it to summer. FINALLY. and i'm burnt out like S***. So F***ing burnt out, that there is nothing left. No patience, no hope, no happiness. I'm F***ing sick of this bulls***. I've seriously had enough. No more. No more mind games. No more white noise. No more trying. I'm so sick of this place; it makes me disgusted at the thought of the word, "home". This place is not a home. It's not anything. There is home. The empty house on the slant hill with the pretty outside that no one visits. With still air, and absolute quiet. Not the same quiet that's here. This quiet is much more. It's filled with emptiness, cleanliness, and love, unlike the loneliness found here. I want to be there. With them. I'm done being tested. I want out. OUT.
I want to scream and cry and smash things, but all i can do is watch myself just sit, without words, and hold back tears that i refuse to let them see.
I am so frustrated. The praying, constantly. I never stop. I never give up. Yet, it's just not enough. It hasn't been enough for the past 6 months. It makes me want to give up. I am so F***ing discouraged. Why is there NO ONE IN THIS F***ING PLACE??????????? i hate my life but i can't hate anyone else. not even them. i get so bloody frustrated with them, and angry. but i can't hate them. i can only hate myself. im going crazy in my head. why did daniel leave me here with them. i don't understand why this happened. i don't want to hear about any more of our God's plans. I hate knowing. I just want to be ignorant like other F***ing pointless pieces of s*** on this planet. We're all dying. But who really gives a f***?

Summer Vacation has practically begun. Tomorrow is the last day of the 08-09 school year. I'm glad. I've survived. I'm trying to be carefree and not worry about grades. Blew off A.P. Psych, and it's not looking good but....oh well. :(
hmmm. Tomorrow i'm going to the mountains. It'll be fun. Still no idea where my phone is :(
I can't believe this. any way. No luck with jobs. i feel like shopping. mmm. broke.
i can't really stand summer. im all alone. and bored all the time. :(
welll.....my dad is the business. thats whats up. he gave me speakers that are legit portable so i don't have to use my old one. Well, i saw in my car a hole. It read "aux in"
ive been wanting to get an adapter to put in my ipod but didn't want to spend cash. OMJOSH. my old speaker had a cable...an auxillary cable!!!!!!
i now roll about in my car listening to music from my ipod through my stereo. how bomb is that. (:3

Charging.

Do i love my life or what? I got passed the english drama and am refreshed from a weekend away from the world. I truly have the best of both worlds. i've never really been one of those ppl who count down the days to their next vacation but i'm pretty gay with the fact that summer is only four short days away...well, maybe not short, but i'll last. (:
it was a great weekend. i have a haul of a lot of thrifty handy dandy stuff. very satisfied. yes, indeedy. i got home and they were kinda moody-ish. luckily im still in a great mood. i understand since they were working intense all day. i wouldn't be walking on clouds either if that were me. i really needed a break and definitely got it. i feel so relaxed. i love the sound of empty clean houses. its the most beautiful sound in the world.
my fam bam is bomb. ive finally got to a place where every one is at an understanding. sometimes things get wack but it's necessary in order for life to go accordingly. overall, i really do believe things are right. i finally understand every single event that has occurred has shaped me as a person and i wouldn't change any of it. sometimes small stuff is awry and ticks me but i deal.
When i'm relaxed, i can actually function. It's like those chinese ppl who snuffed up coke like there was no tomorrow. soooo productive. I cleaned up my room in a jiffy. and made a to do list for summer. i went through my hygeine routine exceptionally well. but now i'm off to ready myself for school and then off to bed with my minor cold. ciao. (:

FML

my mom is pretty bomb. she made me brownies and got my yearbook from the evil office peeps. muahahaha. PWNAGE. unfortunately, i lost my phone somewhere in my house and have searched and searched and searched with no luck. DANG IT. why am I being punished by the good Lord Himself??? i'm trying to understand and talk to him but my little mind just can't grasp this madness. aldskfja;ldfjadjskflajd;flaldskfja. i'm a bit annoyed. akjlladfajldfladfslkads

shrimp.

I got a 59 out of 60 on the F3. I'm bloody ticked. I've lost all hope in obtaining cachet. My future is over. I give pride the finger and Im going to be part of the hoi polloi. I may seem to be overdramaticizing, but this is how I feel about the matter. I am going to nowhere whether I have a good car and route. This is all confuzzled balony. I hate this time of year. I get fat and sick and mean. It's maddening. I need to get a job. I need it like a tom needs jerry. for pete's sake i need the year to be done with already. and who the crispy gingersnaps is pete?? jeeze. I can't believe I have to pay 8 bucks for another student i.d. that will be valid for only 4 cheezy days just so I can pick up a yearbook that's rightfully mine. what is this nonsense of a world????? why is everything going awry???? I AM SOO ANGRY. ;asdfjk;ladfj;ldfslafsadfshghof;jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj;/

ennui

im pretty tired. i hate life right now. it's pretty dissappointing. im starting to get all depressed again. it's dreadful. my family is...je ne sais quoi. I knocked out two pieces today and came up with some snazzy ideas. just sharpie this time. i'll use paint next time; maybe duplicate the acrylic I mailed to my brother as a letter. i'm laying them on my wall. i'll prolly take it down but whatever. i should be studying for english right now but i think i've given up. there's no way i'm going to get a B at this point. it's all calculated out in my head. it's like why bother study if i'm a failure? i'm prolly going to FJC anyways. what's the point of taking these classes. I should have just signed up for 3D art, cosmetology, cooking, and photography when i had the chance. Fat chance of that though.
Got into summer school. Computer applications with bailey. New sched. apush, hon eng.3, hon spanish 3, advanced dance, physics, precalculus. it'll prolly end up being college prep though, since i'm not getting a B in english and she prolly won't recommend me. bust.