why am i so fucking angry. it's all gone to hell. school starts tomorrow. dreading all the people. i really just dont give a fuck anymore.

Negative Nancy.

It's a guy thing. Swimming tadpoles. Gutted fish. Slashed and red. Punished for attention. Masks. Death follows me around today. I want to say hello. Common courtesy.

Bella Flor.

"You're perfect."
you think ppl don't really fall for this sh.. in real life. but it happens, yea. they fall for it. they do.
Now, i'm only excited when it's him texting me.
today i got to see him. i become a terrible driver.
i've never been taken on so many dates...he's my first. the first to ever take me on a date.

later, i began to have a panic attack...but he did something no one ever has. he stopped it. he held me. and took care of me. and it all washed away. it was amazing.
and we layed on his bed watching a movie and he fell asleep in my arms. i wish i could have stayed forever.
if all we ever did all summer, was take naps together. i would still be the happiest girl alive. (:

Cooking is the New Wave

i went bike riding with ruthy and made pretty decent lasagna from scratch today, have a picnic with ty tomorrow, and a date with johnsel tuesday. life can't get any better. (:

thump, thump, paper heart.

he makes my heart race. i thought i didn't like him. i thought i couldn't. not after i spent so long forgetting. knowing how he was. but it's different. the way we are.
i smile uncontrollably. i love watching him get ready. i love the feeling of being "his girl"
i love the way he thinks that dorky, quirky girls are sexy.
i love his kisses, even when they hurt.
i love his fearlessness. how he's never embarassed.
how he's so comfortable. i love that he's not ashamed.
i love that he's changed for the moment.
and im changed for the moment.
this straightjacket feeling has gotten the best of me.

In need of some assistance.

i have to start cooking dinner every night. im winging it. im making lasagna, curry chicken, and beef stir fry for starters. i'm so screwed lol. anyways.

Daniel whispers, "no more boys"...famous last words.
From: Tyler Dillon
"Like seriously if you want him to like you and stuff you gotta stop fuckin around wit other guys you kno :/"
Aug 12, 8:36 pm

and in that moment, he made me realize what i had to do.
justin is dead.
so is he.
do i really want j?
i have no idea.
but i want to try.
right?
because i need someone. it's better.
but i cant. not yet.
not until i speak with father.

We Never Made It to Disneyland.

i am an empty black hole of nothingness. filled with sin and failure. i'm not depressed or anything like it. im just stating the fact of my life. right now. i have given in. and have given up on trying to be good. im confused. He doesn't want us to be good people. but i can't be not good without being bad. or sinning or whatever. argh. this is too complicated.

The Adventures of Giraffe and Fagzilla.

that's what you get when you let your heart win.
that's what you get when you let your lust win.
my dad is always right. i just didn't realize this one, or maybe i was just in denile. most likely the latter in this case.
so the deal is. boys. i don't go after them. i just think about them. and that's it.
at least. for a while, that's how it was. until...
johnsel. he wants to date me.
which is kind of unbelievably shocking.
but he does. and i wouldn't mind, since he's a pervy flirt if you're his friend, but a pure self controlled gentlemen when you're his girl. much different. pretty crazy.
anywho. then there's justin.
boy. oh. boy.
lustlustlust.
tall, athletic, green eyed mutt.
wow.
he lives in cerritos :/

I took this quiz and...

You like to be at the center of everything but even so you may feel lonely even in the midst of a crowd. Sometimes you can be swept away by your own vanity. You are goal oriented and can neglect the feelings of others. You have a competitive spirit that is matched by few and are able to implement your own visionary and courageous ideals. You have an abundance of energy and pointed in the right direction are often admired for your hard work. You have trouble opening up on a deep level and rarely let others into your inner world. You love to feel needed and put yourself into indispensable positions. Your partner has a full time job on their hands and relationships often burn out fast. Strengths: success-oriented – courageous – energetic Weaknesses: Aloof – irritable – excessive

Post-it Love.

i've escaped the loopies for today
i'm going to go to buffalo exchange and watch tiffany shop at 2, in brea.
my grandma got me medicine i asked for and my up-chuck reflex seems under control.
she always rushes to my aid when i ask. i'm pretty lucky. (:
mmm. grandfather bought me lots of clothes from forever21. i'll post them.
i miss my mom. i know that sounds weird...
i can't wait for this weekend. i just want to see my fambam. just hug emm (:3
it feels like a good day. i don't like that my disposition changes daily. this is nice.
i made guacamole yesterday and lemonade in a cup.

Nightmares creep me out.

This would be my dream log if i had more dreams. But they run scarce these days; at least the ones i know about. Anywho. Parents are gone for two weeks. Dangnabbit. Randy's back, back again. la la laa. get it? the song? he'll be here sometime in the morning today.

so...im too lazy.

marines selling firecrackers
my brother buying mini grenade fireworks.
huge party at my house and a bus full of moshers.
robert pattinson with kirsten stewart??
robert pattinson doing coke???
me getting mad at robert pattinson????
me being a non party-er?
parentals come home, not really upset as they should be.
franky and dan chill.
dan didn't go psycho...but he was wack.
he locked a girl in the trunk of his/my car.
now arguing with parentals that it'll be fine.
parentals say stuff like grudge, prison, etc.
i go upstairs and see he used my bed.
then mom woke me up.
the end.

I ask God to speak to me through fortune cookies.

I haven't felt like writing lately.
I really don't feel like it now, but I do.
I have a headache and insomnia...though i could sleep if i tried.
I've been reading quite a bit lately; which is strange since i really dislike reading.
Johnsel is trying to take me on a date, but i know he really just wants to get with me.
I'm not interested, even if he's one of the hottest guys i know. I don't want him.
I want boots. Lots and lots of boots. I won't buy any. But for some reason, i want them...
I'm antsy lately. It's hard to explain. that's the only word i can think of. antsy. i wonder why that worries my dad. i always wonder about him and his knowing. i want to know for myself.
tiffany wants to go shopping. i do too. just to watch her shop.
im going to the home meeting with mom and brian.
she got sick today. like me. and it wasn't good. i always blame myself even though it has nothing to do with me.
I have nonstop nausea instead of nonstop headaches now. i'm never hungry. food makes me sick.
I think i'm terribly ill in the head.
I'm very alone. and afraid. and i can't express myself. and i can't speak. i'm quiet but it's good.
im afraid of next week. i dread randy and isabel. i don't want them to come. i want to hide.
im afraid all the time. i feel like there are ghosts in my bathroom trying to get me and so i pray for the lord not to let me see them. i don't want to see them. i think they are real. im afraid they try to hurt me all the time.
Everyday, more and more, i act like a child. I think i do it because innocence and ignorance helps me get by...even though mother hates it. When I'm a kid and believe it, i feel better, and free, and don't care about anything, and can't think about any of it. it's good.

You're the favorite daughter, not the greatest.

I'm not right in the head, but that's okay; even if my mom hates it. even if they all call me strange. even if father asks why I'm so weird. even if I don't fit in. I don't mind, really. I'm usually alone so people aren't bothered always. except, on certain occasions, when i'm out and about doing my silly things.
so, i like to dance; to pretend.
so, i like to spin endlessly, and sing with a crooked voice.
what does it matter to you?
so, what if i'm quiet, or awkwardly silent;
what is it really to you, if i'm loud and rambunctious?
I can't understand. I can only be selfish in my own ways. I have to learn. Maybe I'm just not old enough. It's really true, that you're too young to understand certain things. The way they are. I'm just not there yet. I guess it's life. This is just life. or maybe C'est la guerre..

Sacrifice and cursing.

everything turned out fine with the whole jewelery scandal.

this morning i told God to kill my great grandmother; i imagined her getting hit by a bus. I told God to give me an aneurism and knock me dead. I told God i hate him and fuck you. I told him that I'm not going to pray anymore or go to meetings ever and that i'm going to be a badass world loving freak. Then I took it back out of fear. yes, i fear Him. I know if I took up on that satan kid thing, the Man would surely smite me and fuck me over sevenfold. Usually I love God, and don't complain about shit to him, about how shitty my life is, i don't ask him to fix it, I just take it and understand that it's for a reason. But, every single time I say something in my brain about complaining...He goes and has the opposite thing done. He's fucking with my mind...just like my parents.

I've been obeying and honoring them. Just do what they tell me, no attitude, no comeback, just action. That is what i'm supposed to do. But I seriously don't get any benefits. God promised a longer life to those who honor their parents. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT A LONGER LIFE IN THIS PLACE???? forget that crap. I won't do it for God anymore. I'm doing it to save my ass from worse-ness.

It pisses me off. My parents. They control me. I can't get passed it. They don't get what they do to me. They ruin me. Everytime they get on me, it hurts inside. I crumble. I feel like I'm worthless and want to cut myself and wish I were dead. We've been alot closer since they got their promotions and dan left. but when i make a mistake i feel like the shittiest shitfaced dumbfuck in the world. Like today, i answered the phone and my great grandmother asked for my mom who was working out downstairs. she was lifting weights and i gave her the phone and said sorry because she obviously had a look on her face like "wtf?"
then after the call of being invited to dinner she started up, so did brian. i shouldn't have said sorry when grandma could hear, i shouldn't have interrupted their workout, i shouldn't have put her on the spot, i should have just taken a message since we had plans to cook dinner tonight. GOD, ha. You punk'd my ass good. Not only did i get lectured for what a stupid piece of shit i am, but you also stopped me from going to the home meeting again for about the 500th time. Obviously, by this point, i've come to realize that it's not satan trying to get me to not go to meetings, it's God. yes, everytime. I've prayed and done many things and no result. Prayer and petition. Fine, are you happy? I won't bother going anymore.

My parents never make me do anything anymore. They even get mad when I go to church. You know, I don't even like going to meetings. I hate it. But i always try to go. Maybe it's because i get distracted by worldly things. But everyone does...why is he picking on me. it cant be satan you see...because if it were so...me getting distracted by worldly things, then he would want me to go. God doesn't want me to be there. He's using my parents to stop me. It makes sense but i don't get it. So fuck you. I'll stay home or go out with crazy kids and you can ruin my life all you want. I'm not even going to be raptured. I'm going to be spending a thousand years grinding and gnashing my teeth in darkness. Why not enjoy life?

i want someone to read this.

i screwed up bad. i wanted to do something nice and get my aunt a necklace that i adore. its juicy couture. i think she'd love it for her bday. dan was going to get it for me off ebay. turns out you have to use paypal. big no no. so now i need my aunts help desperately. which sucks. because i feel terrible since shes in no position. and im afraid to text her about it so late at night since i recently discovered that my mom can see who i text and what time....i keep praying but have a feeling that its not enough.
im not getting gray eyes. paypal bullshiz, one more time.
im getting a sewing machine. 40 bucks. ill have my mom buy it maybe. and ill pay her with work. ill save money that way by not buying clothes. i know she'll pay for fabric too.
i dont know why i brought that up. i am so stressed and its not necessary to have and im insomniac suffering. its prolly from stress and this green tea pill. im on a diet. basically, eating healthier, more often, hydrating a lot, and exercising to lose fat before i start toning up. i've been trying to take special care of my body. my skin care routine is religous; it involves 8 different products. and i also apply self tanning/firming lotion, and special oil to fix my stretch marks. i pray to the Lord about it. i know you shouldn't ask for such things, but i pray that he relieves me of all this ugliness so that i wont be so focused on it all the time. i cant help being vain and self conscious. if im ok with myself then i can focus on the Lord.
i need a new syringe. i found out that my mom has what i have. genetics. but mines more intense. apparently, when you are crazy stressed from life at a young age, it screws up the neurochemistry of your brain. i have a chemical imbalance in my brain stem. lack of seretonin. so i take prozac to produce more. upping my dose again. i think this is the reason why im still battling depression. ive been depressed my whole life. i always thought it was situational. but when i accepted my life, and there was nothing to make me depressed anymore, i still struggled. now i realize that it's probably a lack of seretonin that's making me depressed. im going to try to see my neurologist by myself one day, and get him to prescribe me the therapeutic dose for depression patients. he advised me not to be a doctor. he said if i really want to, then im going to have to take 120 mg everyday, which is hefty compared to the .5mg dose ive been taking only twice a week; now raised to 1.0 mg.

the evening post.

i just got home from the O.C. Fair where my friends were selling their goats and cows. my brother greeted us at home. i warned him we were home yet still, there was a chinese sleeping beauty on the couch. my parents are toats "wtf?" right now behind their backs. yes, i see it too. i bet she's katy. the girl who had a "dream" about being at a clinic and taking a pill. the girl who my brother is deflowering. but they don't know that i know. no one knows that my brother lied about his gfs. to my parents her name is amber, the inexistent girl in a far away place. and katy that no one knows about. and carissa that he's pedobear attacking. dude.
back to the main scene. so i cleaned up after his house party because i love him. i wanted to go to the meeting. but i went to the fair. i ate ridiculous amounts of food and walked a lot and watched the acrobats and saw a clown and vincent, but it wasn't really him. katy shut up. loudmouth.
i have the worst sunburn of my life; worse than the one i got at the beach with jean luke.
im going to start working out hardcore again. it's decided.
i am also getting gray contacts.
update later.

"the perks of being a wallflower"

so i was thinking about my thinking and how i prolly shouldn't do it anymore. i think it's becoming unhealthy. but i can't not think so i guess it is what it is.
so i was thinking about my parents. what would it be like if brian divorced my mom. i think that my mom would be terribly sad and then i would have to be there for my mom. i think it would be awful for her. i think that brian would meet someone again. i think so. and i think that i would visit him. it'd be important. i think that my mom would remarry and it would be okay and i wouldn't have to call him dad because the 3rd one is unlucky like that. i would say, "hello bill, welcome home". all because when i think about it...i don't think that shes good at being alone either; which is strange to think since she is so independent..nonetheless...everybody needs somebody, right? i think it'd be better if it happened this way. i thought about it different, and it wouldn't be good. what if they didn't divorce, and brian saw other woman? if my mom found out that would be horrific. she would ruin him, and i would watch it. but. fat chance because i think brian is too loyal of a person. that's why i think it would happen the other way. not that any of this would happen or anything...but just thinking.

no, i dont feel like talking.

sometimes i want to kill myself.

Going Nowhere.

i snuck out of the house and got ben's present and went to his house and dropped it off on his doorstep. I felt nothing.

For He is to Me My Life.

i am pathetic, just as my life is.
ever feel the loneliness surround you, yet not in a depressing way? though i guess it is depressing in this situation, but i guess it's just not the cause of my certain sadness. anywho.
i think i'll go to costa mesa tomorrow; to get boo his present from the deli. note, i feel indifferent. i don't care for him in the same way. i do, but i try not to. i think when i get detached like this, it works more efficiently. so today, i do not feel for him. now it's just a matter of a courtesy to keep my word. why i bother, i do not know. another, boo is not some strange nickname of amor. it is the onomatopoeia to replace his true name. again, this may sound like a dramatic soap opera but he doesn't know. he doesn't think about it. all of it. it's not actually real. i just need something to ponder in my free time.
im not going to get hired. i feel it. just like they've got music in their bones. i've got a failure tone. i've let go of myself too far. yet im strangely satisfied.
today i made guacamole, ate a salted lemon, and countless others.
i read.
i painted.
i guitarred.
ha.
the hitch hiker on my car is gone. cute spiderfly.
so is my brother.
im in love with no one.

1-2-3-4, I Love the Marine Core.

my brother is home.
im so proud.
im so glad.
he is really here.
we are still so close.
but i know he'll leave again.
in 10 days.
for 21 days.
and for a year o'er.
but i am ok.
because he is glad.
he is a marine.
and proud.
but i feel nothing.
why?
why am i empty.
and exhausted.
and somber.
my mind is gone.
i cannot grasp it.
the silver lining.

*Sadness or hopelessness.
*Loss of interest in or pleasure from most daily activities.
*Losing or gaining weight because of changes in appetite.
*Sleeping too much or not enough.
*Feeling restless and unable to sit still, or feeling that moving takes a great effort.
*Feeling tired all the time.
Feeling unworthy or guilty without an obvious reason.
*Having problems concentrating, remembering, or making decisions.
Thinking often about death or suicide.

i, slave. thee, lover of money.

as many as are slaves under the yoke should regard their own masters as worthy of all honor, lest the name of God and our teaching be blasphemed. and those who have believing masters should not despise them, because they are brothers; but rather they should serve them, because those who recompense them for the kindly service received are believers and beloved. these things teach and exhort. if anyone teaches different things and does not consent to healthy words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the teaching which is according to godliness, he is blinded with pride, understanding nothing, but is diseased with questionings and contentions of words, out of which come envy, strife, slanders, evil suspicions, perpetual wranglings of men corrupted in mind and deprived of the truth, supposing godliness to be a means of gain but godliness with contentment is great gain; for we have brought nothing into the world, because neither can we carry anything out. but having food and covering, with these we will be content. but those who intend to be rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires, which plunge men into destruction and ruin. for the love of money is the root of all evils, because of which some, apiring after money, have been led away from the faith and pierced themselves through with many pains.

attack of the gold lion.

i am a tool.
i've come to realize that everyone has their priorities.
she asks where do i fall on the list. ask myself. where?
i have no answer so she speaks.
youre on the top of it.
but for some.
youre not.
you might not even have made it.
tragic senseless.

i feel like money is becoming less of a priority.
not that we don't need it or face a lack of.
just that it's not on the top of the list for me right now.
not for today at least.
i just need companionship.
i don't really need it.
i just like it when it's there.
more like just one person.
but not in some promiscuous way.
no one can hear that i take to the boys without a thought of mistrust.
really. there is such a thing as innocence.
people must always judge.
but so easily forget; just as you judge others, you will be judged; by the good Lord Himself.

i cried today. terribly.
one dramatic scene after another.
they are right.
family is politics.
i never enjoyed politics.
it never delighted me.
it never captivated me.
but i play very well. so well.

Start: 1 Timothy 6:4

"i love my son, but i must be righteous."


i love them. i do. i thought i didn't and i wasn't. but it happened. i like them.
they are teaching me how to cook. i didn't think it was going to be like this.
around them i experience God. i cried today. i prayed loudly in my car.
we ate ice cream cookies.
martha ball gave me a book. it was the most touching moment of the day.
today was an amazing day. but im still morose.
im still confused. im still upset.

in everyone's telling of their beginning of my beginning someone is an antagonist. it makes me see everything differently. everyone is a hero and a disaster.
i want to see what they see. feel what they feel. know what they know. the truth is what im searching for. what im after, even if it hurts. but there are too many and sometimes it scares me to know. but i need this now. i really do.
i need to know why she cries. i need to know why she is the way she is. i need to know what wrongs were then. i want to know why this is now. i want to know how to comfort and be normal. this unconventional way of life.

we are all burdened in our secrets. i am a wallflower. i see things. and they are mine. and i keep them. here. here. and here.

we are Being molded for his purpoSe

life is terribly unfair to the most undeserving. why do such awful things happen to the most sincere. i really don't understand. the suffering is necessary, but to what extent? how much can suffering be thrust out upon someone until it loses its usefullness and becomes more detrimental than benificial? He pushes so hard that the suffering and building simply drives them to the very end of themselves. i've seen it. it really does happen. are these the overcomers? the first fruits? are these the lucky ones? how can such a cruel thing be? i am incapable of understanding, and refuse to believe what they say because this is no good thing no matter the rewards at end.

Too Long at the Fair.

sometimes i feel like tearing my room apart and starting over. sometimes i feel like going crazy. sometimes i feel like i am crazy. the real kind of crazy. sometimes i feel like overdosing on pills. sometimes i feel like reverting back to my old ways. like popping 12 ibuprofen or hanging myself and letting go for no reason when it does nothing. sometimes i feel like cutting again. sometimes i feel like ripping my face apart with a scalpel because im so ugly. but then i think it'd be too much to bear. sometimes i feel like getting help. sometimes i think about why im here. sometimes i think about how i got here. sometimes i think about the mistake that i am. sometimes i think about the future. sometimes i think about happiness. sometimes i think about what if. sometimes i think about getting the truth. sometimes i think about how i finally got help and then closed the door smiling and ran out to cry. sometimes i just think about nothing. sometimes i try not to think at all.
sometimes i think about how ppl see a tiger and love it. but im not on the inside. that means i fake it like no ones business. but no one really loves me for me. a;sldkfj i should be in a circus. one that travels. that way no one will care that im different. they'll expect it. and they wont care if im not pretty. and they wont care about anything. because they're there to be happy and entertained. and everyone will only see a tiger and nothing more. thats the perfect place for me.

Gap. i like to wear mens clothing.

today is father's day. i wish i could have spent it with my dad.
i went to dinner at taps. gifted him a shirt, had an uncomfortable conversation, with the usual kind of salad.
i painted this morning. before church. i did.
my room is a mess. a smart one told me that your room represents your life supposedly, and if your room is a mess, i guess your insides are too.
im trying.
well. today was ok, with some minor setbacks.
i wanted to go to home meetings again b/c chris balisky talked to me today about it. actually. ive wanted to go for a while now. anyways. i asked my parents. and. my mom said we'll ALL start going. :/ so she said we're going to aarons place and i wanted to go to the home meeting i used to go to. then she said, fine. we'll all go to that home meeting. and...well i dont want that. so. im convincing them to just go to aarons place. this is the first time i said in my brain that i hated "Him" today. at least with an aware mind. i know its wrong. but i was upset. because everytime i try to talk to them. and everytime i pray about these things. nothing ever works the way well....im just a stupid idiot. what do i know. im going to get spoken to about things and ill understand and sometimes ill agreee but there are times where im just in one of those moods and i say. PHO Q.
church has become social and im starting not to mind. its a bit sickening and sad.
theres this guy. i couldn't not see him from where i was sitting. it was terrible. he is the "that" guy. the one that gets me all distracted and doesn't even realize im there...or does and makes sure to pretend he doesn't. w/e. awkward. i txted him about fred. good times. then i stopped.
i sat next to that girl i dont like or doesn't like me or however it goes. i faked like the faker that i am. i hate it when boo asks if we are friends now.
i spent time with eunice today. she's lovely. i wish we could be best friends. its sad though because i think im jealous. of her everything. mostly because she was "his" once...and i know that's childish but...i can't help it after all these years....these 6 frustrating years.
gosh. im such a child.
why am i so different? why can't i just fit in? not that i want to. i just want to understand i guess?
i met a guy named matt who has a twin named dawn. he's a nice guy. i dont want to see him again. Matt. He's a looker. Without my shades.
im sick of myself and my life. i want to be renovated. my room and clothes and body. im going to try to get contacts. gray ones. they are 40 bucks for 3 pairs. cheapest i could find. though it wont be for a long time. im going to see a dermatologist to get my face fixed. its grossly unhealthy. im going to eat right and work out more. im sick of being "not fat but not thin either".
irene called. "do you want lambchops or chicken?" ill have anything. i eat everything. i like to eat. "do you eat lamb?" says sirene now. why yes i guess i do. "we'll eat lambchops then" why do you ask? i know you want lambchops and i eat everything and you know that so why why why? no one listens.

lillies in the field.

malibu creek was stupid. the little girl that i had to babysit all weekend was je ne sais quoi. my life is je ne sais quoi. the little girl likes to take long walks. we walked. and she likes to pick flowers. we picked. she gave me flowers to hold. i held. it was good. until all the little tiny bugs on the flowers starting crawling all over me. and countless other things such as this occured. and i think that camping is overrated now. so is hiking in mangy old vans shoes. a;dslkfj;asldkfj. i don't know why im being such a brat lately. ive been really emo lately and its pissing my parents off. for some reason i feel like pointless. i hate getting depressed. whenever i get depressed i start thinking a lot. like today i started thinking about my existence. i feel like such a mistake. i mean...it all makes sense. i am a mistake. i know deep down she regrets me but its her own fault so she deals. and i know i am loved very very much. but still. i know at heart that in the very very beginning, i was a mistake. not the accident kind of mistake...but the secret kind. the kind only i would know about. and im sure they knew it too.

Well if the World Was Simple Quaint.

blah blah blah. insignificant everythings chatting along with their sweet little nothings. all i hear is blah blah blah. and by the way.you are quite innocently charming with your lovely polar somethings.

i went to see Ring of Fire tonight at the La Mirada Theatre. The show wasn't as spectacular as they said, naturally. Carmen was better; and we left early. Leaving for Malibu creek tomorrow. fkjdfsladfskjladfkajf. Nothing much to say about that.

i gave it a few days. life isn't so terrible. it is, but i won't let it linger for now. not for summer. im good. summer drives me mad as rabbits. i like greek food. im getting all boy crazy again, now that i have nothing to do...its slightly sickening since the only boys i talk to are untouchable and i only talk to them through a screen. and i really only talk to two. and we don't really talk in such a way as most. friends. that's what they call it. yes, they actually do exist, sincerely. amazing suprise, no doubt. but that's just it. whatever they say. i know what i know. so off with their heads. and nothing will go any further than a simple conversation of hellos and complimentary phrases where only i am trying. desperately for no reason whatsoever. because it doesn't really matter. because the world is round and the sky is blue; it makes me cry. because. the sky. is blue.

To say im crying right now would be.

wow. THE F***. I finally made it to summer. FINALLY. and i'm burnt out like S***. So F***ing burnt out, that there is nothing left. No patience, no hope, no happiness. I'm F***ing sick of this bulls***. I've seriously had enough. No more. No more mind games. No more white noise. No more trying. I'm so sick of this place; it makes me disgusted at the thought of the word, "home". This place is not a home. It's not anything. There is home. The empty house on the slant hill with the pretty outside that no one visits. With still air, and absolute quiet. Not the same quiet that's here. This quiet is much more. It's filled with emptiness, cleanliness, and love, unlike the loneliness found here. I want to be there. With them. I'm done being tested. I want out. OUT.
I want to scream and cry and smash things, but all i can do is watch myself just sit, without words, and hold back tears that i refuse to let them see.
I am so frustrated. The praying, constantly. I never stop. I never give up. Yet, it's just not enough. It hasn't been enough for the past 6 months. It makes me want to give up. I am so F***ing discouraged. Why is there NO ONE IN THIS F***ING PLACE??????????? i hate my life but i can't hate anyone else. not even them. i get so bloody frustrated with them, and angry. but i can't hate them. i can only hate myself. im going crazy in my head. why did daniel leave me here with them. i don't understand why this happened. i don't want to hear about any more of our God's plans. I hate knowing. I just want to be ignorant like other F***ing pointless pieces of s*** on this planet. We're all dying. But who really gives a f***?

Summer Vacation has practically begun. Tomorrow is the last day of the 08-09 school year. I'm glad. I've survived. I'm trying to be carefree and not worry about grades. Blew off A.P. Psych, and it's not looking good but....oh well. :(
hmmm. Tomorrow i'm going to the mountains. It'll be fun. Still no idea where my phone is :(
I can't believe this. any way. No luck with jobs. i feel like shopping. mmm. broke.
i can't really stand summer. im all alone. and bored all the time. :(
welll.....my dad is the business. thats whats up. he gave me speakers that are legit portable so i don't have to use my old one. Well, i saw in my car a hole. It read "aux in"
ive been wanting to get an adapter to put in my ipod but didn't want to spend cash. OMJOSH. my old speaker had a cable...an auxillary cable!!!!!!
i now roll about in my car listening to music from my ipod through my stereo. how bomb is that. (:3

Charging.

Do i love my life or what? I got passed the english drama and am refreshed from a weekend away from the world. I truly have the best of both worlds. i've never really been one of those ppl who count down the days to their next vacation but i'm pretty gay with the fact that summer is only four short days away...well, maybe not short, but i'll last. (:
it was a great weekend. i have a haul of a lot of thrifty handy dandy stuff. very satisfied. yes, indeedy. i got home and they were kinda moody-ish. luckily im still in a great mood. i understand since they were working intense all day. i wouldn't be walking on clouds either if that were me. i really needed a break and definitely got it. i feel so relaxed. i love the sound of empty clean houses. its the most beautiful sound in the world.
my fam bam is bomb. ive finally got to a place where every one is at an understanding. sometimes things get wack but it's necessary in order for life to go accordingly. overall, i really do believe things are right. i finally understand every single event that has occurred has shaped me as a person and i wouldn't change any of it. sometimes small stuff is awry and ticks me but i deal.
When i'm relaxed, i can actually function. It's like those chinese ppl who snuffed up coke like there was no tomorrow. soooo productive. I cleaned up my room in a jiffy. and made a to do list for summer. i went through my hygeine routine exceptionally well. but now i'm off to ready myself for school and then off to bed with my minor cold. ciao. (:

FML

my mom is pretty bomb. she made me brownies and got my yearbook from the evil office peeps. muahahaha. PWNAGE. unfortunately, i lost my phone somewhere in my house and have searched and searched and searched with no luck. DANG IT. why am I being punished by the good Lord Himself??? i'm trying to understand and talk to him but my little mind just can't grasp this madness. aldskfja;ldfjadjskflajd;flaldskfja. i'm a bit annoyed. akjlladfajldfladfslkads

shrimp.

I got a 59 out of 60 on the F3. I'm bloody ticked. I've lost all hope in obtaining cachet. My future is over. I give pride the finger and Im going to be part of the hoi polloi. I may seem to be overdramaticizing, but this is how I feel about the matter. I am going to nowhere whether I have a good car and route. This is all confuzzled balony. I hate this time of year. I get fat and sick and mean. It's maddening. I need to get a job. I need it like a tom needs jerry. for pete's sake i need the year to be done with already. and who the crispy gingersnaps is pete?? jeeze. I can't believe I have to pay 8 bucks for another student i.d. that will be valid for only 4 cheezy days just so I can pick up a yearbook that's rightfully mine. what is this nonsense of a world????? why is everything going awry???? I AM SOO ANGRY. ;asdfjk;ladfj;ldfslafsadfshghof;jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj;/

ennui

im pretty tired. i hate life right now. it's pretty dissappointing. im starting to get all depressed again. it's dreadful. my family is...je ne sais quoi. I knocked out two pieces today and came up with some snazzy ideas. just sharpie this time. i'll use paint next time; maybe duplicate the acrylic I mailed to my brother as a letter. i'm laying them on my wall. i'll prolly take it down but whatever. i should be studying for english right now but i think i've given up. there's no way i'm going to get a B at this point. it's all calculated out in my head. it's like why bother study if i'm a failure? i'm prolly going to FJC anyways. what's the point of taking these classes. I should have just signed up for 3D art, cosmetology, cooking, and photography when i had the chance. Fat chance of that though.
Got into summer school. Computer applications with bailey. New sched. apush, hon eng.3, hon spanish 3, advanced dance, physics, precalculus. it'll prolly end up being college prep though, since i'm not getting a B in english and she prolly won't recommend me. bust.

Hearts and Shards make stomach migraines.

applied at coldstone and hot topic today at the brea mall. the chances of getting hired at hot topic seem more likely; still slim though. I doubled up my meds today, still feeling sick. my stomach hurts like a bird slamming into a window. i'm going to start taking it three times a week now. finals are arriving, prolly why i've been getting sick. bust. ill get to go to friday night meetings for awhile. pretty thrilled.

i was pretty bored today. decided to draw a little something maybe i'll end up painting it. we'll see.

Night on the town.

Prom was a decent event. Much more fabulous than last year. I didn't like the model's attitude. She seemed ill with a case of bipolar. Regardless, it was all good fun. Dinner was good. Music was good. It all was good. Awkwardly twisted but full of cachet.

When they announced prom king it was a mad time. No, it wasn't him; that guy. I stood there beside him when he lost; in front of everyone. It was fine; we all knew before they said a word. Then came the slow dancing in the center. Everyone watching. They took a picture that everyone will see and I just so happened to make the most awkward face when the flash went off. Tsk tsk..He said the most romantic thing. Increasingly traumatic, the more it crosses my mind. "I'm sorry you aren't prom king." "It's ok. This is the highlight of the night. It's funny, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else but you right now". And then comes, FML. Considering the fact that he is the love of my friend's life and they would be perfect together. And not to mention, I have the mentality of a 6 year old and can't handle legit romance. Wth do normal people say to that??? I am not normal. I don't know what normal people say. So I said, what I always say in these tricky situations. "thank you". cliche. I know. Here:

For the love of mice and men.

I like fruit juice.
Though I'm allergic to that particular kind.
But thankfully not Pomegranate and Blueberry tea.

I've got nothing these days, to spew out from my fingers. I sprang my ankle, again. Dancing. I have lots of hw I should do but don't really care too much, to be honest. I'll do it, I'm just not excited. I'm getting chubby. It's gross. I need to start working out again. I doubt I'll do it. I'm not motivated. How lazy do I sound. I haven't written Daniel. I feel bad.

With my car, I have made it to church every Sunday. I don't like it too much, just enough to go. I can't seem to touch my spirit. I still try though. It's not like how other kids my age don't like it. It's more just that I have no friends there and go for the love of God, literally; i am frustrated that I can't touch my spirit. I am frustrated that at church I am tempted by the world, the most. It's become too social, not spiritual and is lacking in proper foundations for us people. I'm too weak and tempted. I need more. I can't do it alone. I can't do it by myself. I can't do it with anyone's help. but I will never stop trying. Though I have a feeling I'm not meant to be one of them.

I want to go to Friday night meetings. Sadly, I haven't been in a long, long time. My parents work weekends. They sleep early. I cannot be home that early. I feel bad that they have to stay up. I feel bad they must work so terribly ridiculously hard. It's life though. I feel bad to make them wait and stay up for me. I feel bad that I understand yet still get frustrated at this, naturally. Simply because, I want desperately to go to the meetings, yet am unable. I want to go. I wish they would care slightly less. So they would not fret so, waiting for my safe arrival home from church. That way everyone is happy. Life is not like that. Parents are not like that. There is no button that you can switch off to stop them from caring. In this, we are lucky. I am lucky. But as a teen. I am frustrated.

poetic pathetic.

I don't know the difference b/n loving you and I don't know the difference b/n loving him. between the sheets of a scarlet painting. what i painted then. when stars were blue and I had my own sky. So i'm a million ways to fly a kite. Im a darker space, you are black and white. Im. I see the two sides. Make it mine. Prettier than guy like high. Fabricated little somethings. make the most arrogant smiles. Finals and alleys trotting down memory lane, going insane. My insane. Turn the table off, the time is running. I need to get myself out of myself. I don't know the difference in loving you and you loving you and him loving and you loving him. I am mute asleep my voice lost and dead. It's all one. Not too tragic in the least as you might expect. They are all the same way. The mute can't speak your tongue but breathe a different note and say sleep is like a simple pleasure. It brings us much delight. Death must be much better. Death, be not so proud. For death, thou shalt die. Once we rise again. We pass through death and live again, eternally. Death, be not so proud. The bell tolls for thee. Cough, Cough, cough up snazzy phrases, making money, giving you an epic smile. Let's just think it through. Imaginary barbie. Playdate for a while. Try to think what it'd be like to see you together on a Sunday at this place I know. I'll always go for you. The wrong reason. I tell myself not to be late, to forget to make up my face, my hair. But i always do. I can't help to be so pretty fake around you. I want to surround you but they are all around and I can't see your face.

Cool Beans and all that jazz.

I stayed home since I am sick. This is the first time I actually ever asked my mom if I could do so. I always insist on going to school. This is like some kind of break through phenomenon or something. I was planning on stopping by for sixth period though. I even did the focus notes and everything for the presentations today; called dad and didn't tell him my plan. He told me to wait until 3 so I don't get pulled over by cops. Smart man; still have to make it up though. :/ So, I try to sleep some and fail. It's too late to take nyquil since I have tutoring at 520. I drive over to albertsons and buy some lunch meat and a tomato and more nyquil. Sadly, I've been buying everything with my money lately so I'm broke. Some stupid worker person was standing in front of the tomatoes. Thanks to my tendency to get creeped out by those people staring at my tomato picking I have to buy the $3 tomato. :/ I hate myself for suffering from imaginary audience; no one cares if I don't know how to pick tomatoes. I also hate those self check out things. I didn't know which tomato I bought. "vine ripe roma" or w/e. What if I paid 4 bucks for a $3 tomato??? ugh. I also picked up dry cleaning. $10.40. I also went to boba ya and bought a shaved ice cup. I don't like the women who work there. They obviously hate being there. Such a shame.

On the brighter side:

• I cut my nails. I've been playing guitar. Yay. Acrylics, here we go.


• Boo has graduated to texting me first. Though, it's been such for a while. reassuarance it's a mutual friendship.


• I actually did hw. I understand chem. I'm ready for La Vela...for once.


• I'm at peace. Everything is crap but I don't feel so stressed. Today helped. (:

These are a few of my favorite things:

Murphy's Law???

I am so lame. I forgot the email address to this thing. It turns out, you use an email account separate from google. Genius.

----------------------------------------------------------

Dang nabbit. Dang Liz.

I spent about a month growing out my nails for prom. I usually like to keep them short. I think I've spent a few months now, taking care of them so they'll be pretty and french painted. Incredibly annoying, not being able to open jars and packages, and not being able to type on a keyboard, and NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAY MY GUITAR or PIANO. :/

Just now, I was drawing "NERD." onto a shirt that I stole from Nate in a Rite-Aid parking lot a while back. I looked down. NOOOOOOO. Now, I have to get acrylics and won't be able to play guitar for at least 3 more weeks. I'm sobbing like a child with a scraped knee; without a dad to come slap my arm so the scrape won't hurt anymore. I'm also sick, have no voice, am breaking out from raging hormones, and am getting chubby since I can't run because it makes the pain in my throat unbearable. Story of my life.

fast and furious.

I went go-karting for Brandon's bday. The first run was terrible for me. I suck, it's too intense.

Second go, not so bad. went 60 mph? idk. Lost, was fun.

I went around in my car today. Running errands. The eco club banquet was cancelled. No beach today. We're having it at school instead, during lunch. I can't believe I'm going to be president next year. I doubt I'll make it less terrible than it already is. It's pretty pathetic and I wish it were more. :/ It's a good club, just boring for members. I feel bad. I need to renovate.

Today was mostly boring. Home was boring. My dogs were getting annoying. I made a sandwich. The usual. breadmeatmayonnaisemustardardcheesetomatoavacadopaprikasalt sandwich. I cut it in halves like a child eats it. With a side of tasty cheetos and pomegranite juice. I've gotten into the habit of praying before I eat. I've always attempted to do it, but now it's a habit that I am mindful of. However, I ate dinner with my parents tonight. I didn't pray out loud. While I ate, I thought about how I should say something, but I didn't. I felt so...dirty.

I miss my brother. He was my best friend. Now he's gone. I wish he was here. I thought about him when I was be lazy, watching the tube. I prayed for him. I'm sad that he has to spend his birthday in boot camp. Last year wasn't much better though; on a 50 mile backpacking trip in the Sierras. Every day I checked the mail anxiously hoping to find a letter from him in the stack, but nothing's there. Today I only found an advertisement for Victoria's secret and my license card. I miss him.

If it weren't for God. Idk. This guy invited me to his house. Let's call him Bob. Bob is incredibly handsome. I used to crush on Bob because of this, and partly because I was a stupid freshman. Now I don't care about Bob, but we are friends. He thinks I'm into him. He thinks everyone is into him. That's fine. He's a nice guy. I rejected Bob today. I suprised myself. If it weren't for God, right about now I prolly would have been pulling a tshirt over my head backwards while shoving my left leg through a window with my foot simulataneously searching for a tree to climb down from.

Rainbow in a box.

My birthday present was amazing. My good friend managed to get me a rainbow in a box, just like I demanded. I don't know why I'm thinking about this now, randomly, in the middle of May. Anywho...It's an egg shaped thing and projects a rainbow on the wall. It fits into its little box and is simply marvelous.
So, I'm searching for a bakery to see where they sell rainbow cookies. I need to find a shop in my area. I want to share some rainbows with my friend. I've been craving them lately and plan to go galavanting around town to get my hands on some at the end of this month. Coincidentally, this is just in time for my friend's birthday, for I will see if they are good for food then purchase more and by that time it will be July. I am so slow. Strange to think that they got me a rainbow in a box, and I will be giving them the same thing...in a way.

Promtastic.

Planning for this one night is so traumatic. :/

wavy, straight, up, or down?

I had a better picture. The camera caught a peculiar angle of me in a strange light and made me beautiful for .23 seconds. Instead, I posted the one of a mediocre quality. Too many post the pictures that make them seem so grandoise. Seeming exceedingly attractive. People need to learn to be real. Ersatz is overrated. I need simple truth.

I don't dream pretty dreams, though I dream of being pretty.

honestly.

& so.

i am liz.

i eat alot.

i work out.

i sleep some.

i blush constantly.

i am easily intimidated.

i have dreadful nightmares.

i believe in praying about everything.

i am desperately seeking something more.

i am not a crazy amazing person at all.

i am not intelligent or humorous.

i am terribly over dramatic.

i am not a nice person.

i am shockingly vain.

i am damaged.

i am strange.

i am boring.

i am blunt.

i am lazy.

i am me.

li li.

silly child.

i sing & dance.

even though i suck at it.

because its just so awfully fun.

i like to play the piano occasionally.

i strum the guitar.

i forgot violin.

it scares me that the world is ending & is over & is gone.

nothing i ever do will mean anything when its done.

i am happy to not be worried about what to do.

it will all die down and die out some day.

the world will not matter any longer.

matter will not even matter.

i don't even want to try.

i just want to serve.

i just want to be.

his kingdom.

my life.

♥

Result.

• prom. :/

• I think that I can now confidently say that I bombed the AP exam. At least I made Jose a fine sum of money.


• My car will be the end of me.


• blah blah blah.


• JOB.


• i need a hobby.


• i need to stop the myspace antics.


• why do i get arm cramps in the summer days?


• why am i so terribly annoying?


• rawr.


• my anxiety disorder is frustrating.

AP. Summer. Stalker.

Tomorrow is the a.p. psych test. I have not studied at all. I am so lazy. It's disgusting. I have to stay up and study. I am retarded. Ugh. I prolly won't pass regardless. I suck at test taking. The free response is out the window. Whatever. My fault.

I need a job. Summer is approaching. I have my car now. I need to get a job. I need to get into computers for summer school. One week to be wasted. If I get in then i miss SSOT. If I don't get in then I have to go to yellowstone and have to take it during the year. EPIC FAIL. :/

I have to get rid of the creepy stalker kids on my tail. Fake boyfriend scheme in action on Wednesday. This is ridiculous. People shouldn't have to make up this nonsense. All this so I won't hurt their feelings. psch.