Gap. i like to wear mens clothing.

today is father's day. i wish i could have spent it with my dad.
i went to dinner at taps. gifted him a shirt, had an uncomfortable conversation, with the usual kind of salad.
i painted this morning. before church. i did.
my room is a mess. a smart one told me that your room represents your life supposedly, and if your room is a mess, i guess your insides are too.
im trying.
well. today was ok, with some minor setbacks.
i wanted to go to home meetings again b/c chris balisky talked to me today about it. actually. ive wanted to go for a while now. anyways. i asked my parents. and. my mom said we'll ALL start going. :/ so she said we're going to aarons place and i wanted to go to the home meeting i used to go to. then she said, fine. we'll all go to that home meeting. and...well i dont want that. so. im convincing them to just go to aarons place. this is the first time i said in my brain that i hated "Him" today. at least with an aware mind. i know its wrong. but i was upset. because everytime i try to talk to them. and everytime i pray about these things. nothing ever works the way well....im just a stupid idiot. what do i know. im going to get spoken to about things and ill understand and sometimes ill agreee but there are times where im just in one of those moods and i say. PHO Q.
church has become social and im starting not to mind. its a bit sickening and sad.
theres this guy. i couldn't not see him from where i was sitting. it was terrible. he is the "that" guy. the one that gets me all distracted and doesn't even realize im there...or does and makes sure to pretend he doesn't. w/e. awkward. i txted him about fred. good times. then i stopped.
i sat next to that girl i dont like or doesn't like me or however it goes. i faked like the faker that i am. i hate it when boo asks if we are friends now.
i spent time with eunice today. she's lovely. i wish we could be best friends. its sad though because i think im jealous. of her everything. mostly because she was "his" once...and i know that's childish but...i can't help it after all these years....these 6 frustrating years.
gosh. im such a child.
why am i so different? why can't i just fit in? not that i want to. i just want to understand i guess?
i met a guy named matt who has a twin named dawn. he's a nice guy. i dont want to see him again. Matt. He's a looker. Without my shades.
im sick of myself and my life. i want to be renovated. my room and clothes and body. im going to try to get contacts. gray ones. they are 40 bucks for 3 pairs. cheapest i could find. though it wont be for a long time. im going to see a dermatologist to get my face fixed. its grossly unhealthy. im going to eat right and work out more. im sick of being "not fat but not thin either".
irene called. "do you want lambchops or chicken?" ill have anything. i eat everything. i like to eat. "do you eat lamb?" says sirene now. why yes i guess i do. "we'll eat lambchops then" why do you ask? i know you want lambchops and i eat everything and you know that so why why why? no one listens.